It is funny how if I was told that something would happen in 3,014 days I would think that day would never come, that it seemed a lifetime away. So much could happen in that time, often so much happens in just one day. But looking back on those days I realize that each day seemed to drag on forever while days, months, and years flew by at the same time.
I started this blog many years ago but deleted those posts to start over. I realize that the specifics of the day to day battles I have forgotten but the feeling of despair, hopelessness, and finality are still with me.
3,014 days ago I learned that all of the nagging feelings and thoughts I had been having for years were all true. I learned that no one can be trusted; spouses lie and cheat, friends betray your darkest secrets, and family disappears when things fall apart. I learned in a very painful way the only person I could trust was me and most of the time I didn't trust myself. I don't trust myself to make the right choices, say the right things, or act the right way. I second guess everything.
I have decided that instead of playing the same thoughts over and over in my head day and night I would put them "on paper". I don't have grandiose thoughts of "curing" myself of my feelings but maybe putting it down in writing may be a way to empty some of those thoughts in my head.
I don't believe in starting over again. I think I can do small things to make miniscule changes but big changes are not possible. It is almost like making big changes conflict with how I was raised. I have to suffer the consequences of a lifetime of bad choices.
So this is a writing of all those crazy thoughts in my head, all my insecurities, and all the things that have happened to land me here today.
